Healing Words

Dear Pops,

It has been a few months now since I set up this blog and began posting my letters to you. I am really enjoying it, I love documenting our lives, your childhood and all my thoughts and feelings on being your Mamma.

My intention when I started this blog  was a somewhat selfless endeavor. I wanted nothing more then to document your childhood and for you to have some enjoyment in reading about it when you are grown up. 

But I would be lying if I said that I got nothing out of this. In fact the more I write to you the more I realise that it is becoming a therapeutic process for me. It has made me more aware of myself, of my thoughts and feelings. 

It has made me realise things about myself. Mainly, that I have lost my confidence. Becoming a Mum is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me, but somewhere along the way I have lost myself. Or I have lost who I used to be.

Before you were born I defined myself by my job. I studied hard at uni to get that job. It was what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be.

Now, I dont work. When I fill out forms I tick the homemaker box, when people ask what I do I say Im a stay at home Mum. My old self a distant memory. 

Please don't get me wrong, I love being a Mum. And I am so grateful to your Daddy for how hard he works so I am able to be at home with you. 

I just struggle with how to define myself now. My journey into Motherhood has been an amazing but all consuming experience, I think I just lost myself along the way.

I am confident in my abilities as a Mother and as a Wife. I work hard to do the best I can for my family. I am proud to say that I am a good Mother and a good Wife. I am far from perfect but I do my best and I am happy with that. 

But I have come to realise I am not the best I can be as a person. Im lacking in confidence. I always think people will think the worst of me and it holds me back. But writing to you is helping me change. 

Each letter I write helping me to remember that I dont need to feel this way. Its helping me to get my confidence back, helping me to organise my thoughts and think about myself and I like it. 

My priority will always be you and Daddy. But I owe it to you both to be the best I can be. And im getting there.

I love you Pops

Mummy